H/T to The Snake's Mommy for pointing out this take on the mystery of Osama bin Laden's six lost years in that ratty man cave in Abbottabad:
Let's see if you can solve this puzzle. We've learned that Osama Bin Laden's compound had marijuana, pornography, and some sort of herbal Viagra. He had no air conditioning to keep him cool in the blistering heat of summer, and no heat to protect him from the cold of winter. He had no phone and no Internet connection. He had a home office and three wives living with him. Using only these clues, help the CIA solve the following puzzle: Why didn't Bin Laden come up with any good plans lately?
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The marijuana at the compound explains a lot too. When we see pictures of other terrorist leaders, they always look angry. Every time we see a picture of Osama, he's just chillin' with his homeys. Here he is asking for some curly fries.
I wonder how stoned you need to be before you come up with a plan to conquer the planet using nothing but bearded men as weapons. I have a feeling that plan B involved showing up at the Grammy's inside a giant egg. It's obvious that he wasn't a beer drinker because his most ambitious plot didn't involve sneaking up on camels and tipping them over.
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Now imagine that you have no phone and no email and you want to communicate a complicated plot to your henchmen around the world. You have to rely on your courier to remember the message and deliver it in a persuasive manner to your operations guy. If you have ever met a human being, you know we're not good at transmitting simple messages from one person to another. Now imagine that the courier was probably the guy tending the marijuana garden and you see what I'm getting at here. I'll bet a lot of those conversations went like this.
Courier: Osama wants you to bomb the embassy on 4/20.
Terrorist: Which embassy?
Courier: That's an awesome question. I'll have to get back to you.
Terrorist: Maybe the American Embassy somewhere?
Courier: All I remember is that the target is shaped like...this.
Terrorist: Get out of my tent.
OBL really did look like a chronic stoner. He was always so very much more mellow than the stereotypical, tightly-wound angry guy, terrorist leader. Sort of 'Dude, where's my car bomb?' I wouldn't be a bit surprised if we find out he had a pile of Cheech and Chong videos next to his porn collection.