Monday, May 16, 2011

Osama Bin Tokin'

H/T to The Snake's Mommy for pointing out this take on the mystery of Osama bin Laden's six lost years in that ratty man cave in Abbottabad:

Let's see if you can solve this puzzle. We've learned that Osama Bin Laden's compound had marijuana, pornography, and some sort of herbal Viagra. He had no air conditioning to keep him cool in the blistering heat of summer, and no heat to protect him from the cold of winter. He had no phone and no Internet connection. He had a home office and three wives living with him. Using only these clues, help the CIA solve the following puzzle: Why didn't Bin Laden come up with any good plans lately?

-- snip --

The marijuana at the compound explains a lot too. When we see pictures of other terrorist leaders, they always look angry. Every time we see a picture of Osama, he's just chillin' with his homeys. Here he is asking for some curly fries.

I wonder how stoned you need to be before you come up with a plan to conquer the planet using nothing but bearded men as weapons. I have a feeling that plan B involved showing up at the Grammy's inside a giant egg. It's obvious that he wasn't a beer drinker because his most ambitious plot didn't involve sneaking up on camels and tipping them over.

-- snip --

Now imagine that you have no phone and no email and you want to communicate a complicated plot to your henchmen around the world. You have to rely on your courier to remember the message and deliver it in a persuasive manner to your operations guy. If you have ever met a human being, you know we're not good at transmitting simple messages from one person to another. Now imagine that the courier was probably the guy tending the marijuana garden and you see what I'm getting at here. I'll bet a lot of those conversations went like this.

Courier: Osama wants you to bomb the embassy on 4/20.

Terrorist: Which embassy?

Courier: That's an awesome question. I'll have to get back to you.

Terrorist: Maybe the American Embassy somewhere?

Courier: All I remember is that the target is shaped like...this.

Terrorist: Get out of my tent.

OBL really did look like a chronic stoner. He was always so very much more mellow than the stereotypical, tightly-wound angry guy, terrorist leader. Sort of 'Dude, where's my car bomb?' I wouldn't be a bit surprised if we find out he had a pile of Cheech and Chong videos next to his porn collection.


Anonymous said...

As a long time fan of both C&C and Osama Bin Ladin I suspect OBL had a mental disorder like manic/depressive
along with a high IQ. His paranoid tendencies could have been from the pot he used to smooth out his mania depression. All three guys are pioneers in the benefits of medical marijuana?? gwb

TSB said...

I guess you're right. He could have been self-medicating, rather than just getting high.

Personally, I'm sorry we didn't take him alive. Kept at GITMO for the rest of his life, he would have made for many years of fascinating debriefings.

Anonymous said...

True TSB! And where is that final recording he left us? I remember the release of that recording was "imminenent".... then they were thinking about it... Evidently this guy was soooooo dangerous we can't even be allowed to know what he had to say to us. Or maybe Obama has been tokin too?? gwb

Anonymous said...

TSB: I found out why Clinton couldn't get info on Area 51. Area 51:The new book reveals.. has always been inside the AEC!! and the Atomic Energy Commission has it's own secrecy system that can tell ANYONE they don't have a need to know! Lots of brand new info in this book. gwb

TSB said...

I listened to an interview with the author of that Area 51 book yesterday. A 1947 conspiracy by Stalin to compensate for his lack of nuclear weapons by spreading mass panic in America, inspired by an Orson Welles radio drama, assisted by Dr. Mengele, featuring genetically mutated children, and which is now revealed by a single anonymous source? I'm convinced. That's too good not to be true.

I haven't read the book yet, but the AEC history part sounds accurate enough, with the emphasis on "history." The AEC was incorporated into the Department of Energy in the 70s, and its separate system of administering classified information has long been consolidated into the more-or-less uniform government-wide system. No DOE office can withhold information from any Secretary or President who wants it.

In the mid-80s I worked for a consulting company that was purchased by EG&G, the Area 51 facility operator, and we used to get all kinds of inquiries from UFO researchers who assumed we were working with reverse-engineered alien technology. It kind of soured me on conspiracy theories, but I gained an appreciation for how much people want to believe that The Truth Is Out There.

Anonymous said...

Wow! That's really interesting. So far I am spell-bound reading about the nuclear testing stuff and the SR-71 development. I haven't gotten to any UFO gems yet, but it's interesting getting acquainted with all the players from 70 years ago. My interest was stirred by recent stories of UFO's shutting down our missile launch sites. gwb

Anonymous said...

Whistleblower says Russian troops fed dog food TSB:My cat won't even eat that stuff! Where was the worst food in your career? gwb

TSB said...

Dog food sounds like some of the pre-MRE army rations that I ate in basic training.

As far as overseas food, I'm not picky and I can eat pretty much any Third World peasant dish or street vendor fare (lots of goat, river rat, etc.). Never got really ill anywhere, but I did have "projectile vomiting" one time. That term is appallingly accurate.

Anonymous said...

TSB: I think you have the area 51 book well summarized. I'm half way thru and it just seems a good history of Area 51. I haven't learned anything yet about UFO's. But 76,000 nuclear war heads?? I guess we "won"
the nuclear arms race! gwb We have those nutria around here but I'd rather eat a goat... friendlier.